Today we got to see our sweet
baby. Which normally would have filled
me with so much excitement and joy.
Except this time I was filled with excitement, joy, and fear. Ultrasounds have been very traumatic for
me. The first one we expected to see one
little heartbeat and we saw two, then tragically at the next one we expected to
see two little heart beats and only saw one.
My body had given me no forewarning of this. I didn’t have severe pains or bleeding, the
baby just stopped growing. Shane and I
both were heartbroken. We had spent
weeks dreaming of our twins growing up together, how we would do their nursery,
and what we would name them. In that one
instant all of that unraveled.
So, today, I was excited to see my
sweet baby love and really start planning and dreaming again. However, today I was also fearful. I know what the Bible says and I cling to the
promises that God works all things together for my good, which as God would
have it was in my devotion this morning.
However, I also know that sometimes God’s definition of my good and my
definition of my good look different. And
if I’m being honest, sometimes God’s plan doesn’t feel very good. Like when my
sweet baby just stopped growing. So
today amidst the excitement and preparation in the deepest parts of me I felt
fear. Fear that God’s plan might be
different than what we so desperately hoped and prayed it was. Fear that if God took this baby too I might
fall apart. And, if I’m being honest,
fear that I would be labelled as fragile- the one who lost both her babies.
But then this morning God so gently
reminded me which one of us is actually in control. See, when I lost my baby I realized that I
have absolutely no control over what happens with my babies and my body. I can’t tell my body what to do or what not
to do to grow healthy babies. I can’t,
but God can. And I know Him. And I know that He is so good and He loves me
so much more than I can ever comprehend.
He is such a good Father. So when He decided my first baby needed to be
in Heaven with Him as opposed to on Earth with me, He was right. I don’t understand it and I will never be
happy about it, but I can trust that He was right and He doesn’t mess up.
The verse referring to being “knit
together in my mother’s womb” has never held more meaning to me than it does
right now. I have been amazed every time
I see an ultrasound to see how the baby has grown and changed. It amazes me because I am not telling it do a
single thing. God is knitting my baby’s
body together by using my body. It is
miraculous. Since I’m not the one doing
it, all I can do is sit back and trust the one with the paintbrush in His
hand. I am just the canvas.
Today when I heard that little
heart beat pumping and I saw that little body that has grown to 11 ounces my
heart was filled with so much gratitude.
God is such a gracious God. He is
continuing to build my sweet little love into a masterpiece to be used for
Him. This baby, and my baby who already
left us, will forever be a reminder of His miraculous grace.
We have chosen the name Hannah
Katherine for our sweet girl. Hannah
means God’s favor or grace. In the Bible
Hannah desperately wanted a child and God heard her prayer and showered grace
upon her with a baby. There is no better description of what this girl is in
our lives. When we lost her twin I lived
in fear for weeks that God would take her too.
However, He is so gracious and allowed us to become pregnant with twins
so that we would have her as a comfort from Him during a very difficult
time. And Katherine comes from Shane’s
aunt who has been a steady beacon of grace and love in Shane’s life. Our hope
is that Hannah-Kate will act more like Aunt Kathy and less like her stubborn,
strong willed parents. J
