Moving out of the Glass House.

Everyone has a story.  I grew up a “preacher’s kid” which meant I learned early on how to live under a microscope.  What was acceptable for other people just was not permissible for me.  If all the teenagers are in the back talking people are annoyed but if the preacher’s daughter is back there with them then “something needs to be done”.  I mean imagine with me, if the preacher can’t control his kids how can he lead others to raise their own?  My parents did a phenomenal job as parents but the truth remained that at times my dad had to be the pastor, my mom the pastor’s wife, and my sister and I knew our roles early on.  You’re not allowed to slip up, be disrespectful, have a bad attitude, or simply have a bad day in front of others.  The common joke is that we lived in a glass house, literally in the church parking lot.  As the preacher’s daughter, I was expected not only to behave right but if someone was supposed to pray in Sunday school it was me.  If they asked a Bible question I should have the right answer.  I can remember my Sunday school teachers doing a lesson and then asking if I thought what they taught was right.  My parents were great parents and tried so hard to balance out the expectations of others but despite their best efforts being a “PK” left its mark.  To this day, it cripples me when someone thinks I’m not acting appropriately.  Now I get to call it “being professional” but the fact remains, I struggle with living my life in a way that others deem as acceptable.

You think when you grow up that everything will somehow work itself out.  That along the journey of life you’ll arrive at this long awaited point where you are independent and taking care of yourself.  You’ll be living the life you want, how you want, where you want, and you’ll somehow have it all together.  At this point you won’t worry about what other people think of you because you’re too busy being you to actually care.  Your relationship with God will be stable and you’ll finally have reached the point where you don’t struggle with the same things over and over and you’ll be living the abundant life that you always wanted and that Christ promised. 

And then you reach the expected point and realize that life doesn’t really work like that.  You’ll figure out that life is in the daily struggle.  It’s deciding every day to be content where you are.  It’s picking up your cross daily and realizing that some struggles are there to teach you how to overcome.  They get easier, but not because they go away but because you get stronger.  The more you fight something the stronger you are.   

As silly as it is I spent a better part of yesterday evening in tears because of someone else’s opinion of me.  I guess you never really get away from being the preacher’s daughter and even though I’ve moved away I still live in that glass house.  Someone viewed me as a bad influence or a distraction and it really upset me.  I know my intentions and God knows my heart, but the PK in me so badly wanted everyone else to like me and think I was great that it literally stopped me in my tracks.  So today I have to fight a little harder than yesterday.  Today I have to remember that I live my life for the approval of God, not man. 

A Thousand Words Paints a Picture: A thank you from December

Christmas is over which for my job means I can finally take some time to share my gratitude with all who played a part in this Christmas.  This was my fourth Christmas working at the Children’s Home and has been my favorite one to this point.  This is not because I love these kids any differently than the kids in the past but because this year there were so many special, magical memories made for these kids.  They say a picture is worth a thousand words.  If I could show you all pictures of some of the best moments I would, but I cannot (and if I did I would lose my job and I like my job), so all I can share are my words, and it may take a thousand!  Somehow amidst the chaos, anxiety, and overall excitement there were so many beautiful moments and I want to share a few of those. 

There were six residents this year who still believed in Santa Claus.  So, with threats to all the other children in place, our goal was for those six to still believe in Santa at the end of Christmas.  The kids all give me a Christmas list in October so I know what they want for Christmas, easy enough right.  All we had to do was gift the items to the residents with a tag from Santa and we are good to go.  Wrong.  Here’s what I learned, children tell Santa different things then what they put on their Christmas list!  So, when I took some of them to see the “real Santa” one of my sweet girls decided to whisper to Santa that she wanted a Polar Express Bell.  Not just a jingle bell but a real Polar Express Bell.  And this happened five days before Christmas.  To be honest, finding a Polar Express Bell that close to Christmas with all the other things I had to do just probably wasn’t going to happen.  But we have a wonderful staff member who just was not going to let this Christmas wish go unanswered.  She searched high and low and of course the closest Polar Express Bell was in Alabama.  And as God would line it up, she just happened to be spending the weekend with her family in Alabama and was able to get the one Polar Express Bell in the Southeast United States.  I attached a special note from Santa and our sweet girl woke up on Christmas morning with wonderful gifts to open and play with and a gift she requested that told her that she was special.  And, the first thing she told me about when I saw her after Christmas was not all the toys she received but about Santa bringing her a special bell. 

When we went to visit this real Santa he had them build a toy car that they would give to someone else to teach them that Christmas is more about giving then receiving.  So after a morning full of fun on the way home we were discussing who they would give their cars to and they were tossing around different people that really mattered to them.  One of the girls decided that she would give hers to Mrs. Alice because she just thought it was so nice of her to line up our trip to see Santa and because “she is special” which melted my heart but they didn’t stop there.  One of our VP’s at Central Office, Chris Hobbs, has a train set and asked that on our way back I let the kids come in and see it.  When we were looking at the train set they were doing their best to behave (they know the drill) and be sweet all while having fun playing with a ridiculously cool train set.  After about the 5^th time one of the girls had knocked the train off the track and with his phone ringing off the hook, I started to prepare them to leave so Chris could get back to work before they tore the place a part.  But, despite the fact that he probably had a million things to do, he insisted that we let them play more.  And he calmly continued to show this little girl how to put the train back on the track for the 6^th time.  While he was explaining to her how it worked she interrupted him and said “I want to give you this” and pulls out her little toy car.  I of course started crying because he had no idea what that meant.  To this little girl he had suddenly become someone that mattered to her; he became someone special all by playing trains.  Her little heart wanted to do something nice for him like he was doing for her and all she had to offer was a little toy car.  But she offered and he accepted and made her feel like she had offered him the very best gift in the entire world.

After our “play with trains” moment the children became obsessed.  So, we had to of course watch Polar Express.  I decided to do a Polar Express night and let them wear their PJ’s and come drink hot cocoa and snuggle up and watch a movie.  I should have probably though this through a little more than I did but about 20 minutes into it I was regretting this decision.  There had been five spilt cups of cocoa, two major messes to clean up, an almost fight, and three children crying because they burned themselves and we hadn’t even started the movie yet!  But this was on the night of the monsoon and I knew there was no sending them back into the rain without seeing this movie.  So we declared a no more walking with hot chocolate rule and started the movie.  And I immediately remembered why I did it.  They curled up with blankets and the room for the most part went silent.  I gave them all teddy bears which seems ridiculous considering that the average age is about 15 but it turned out to be exactly what they wanted.  They curled up with their bears tight to their chests (even the boys) and watched a movie.  At one point I just stopped and looked because from the outside I’m sure we would have looked crazy, a bunch of teenagers curled up watching Polar Express with teddy bears and with big messes on the floor.  But in that moment I watched a lot of kids with no normal in their lives just be happy.  I watched them get into the magic of it all with the little kids as they helped tell stories of how Santa can get in and leave toys and how he knows when they’re sleeping and for a moment they were all just kids.  So with some minor adjustments this will be a new tradition for Christmas at GBCH because they all deserve a moment to just be kids.

One resident that we had this Christmas had never had a real Christmas with gifts under the tree if there was even a tree at all.  In fact, we had to help him write his Christmas list because he had never written one and all he could think to put were sodas and snacks.  Once we had a list I was determined that he was going to have everything on that list (and hopefully more… we had a lot to make up for!) And, thanks to the generosity of wonderful sponsors that is exactly what happened.  For all of our residents.  They woke up on Christmas morning and under their tree were stacks of gifts with their name on it.  And when they opened those gifts it wasn’t generic toys or things they didn’t want, it was exactly what they had asked for.  Someone had cared enough to take what they asked for and go buy exactly that.  This may just be the way Christmas works for some people but for kids who can’t have what they want (a family or to be at home) this little fact speaks volumes.  Whether they believe it was from Santa or from a sponsor, it expresses even if just for a moment that they are worthy of nice things and that they are not whatever society or their family has spoken over them, instead they are loved.  And they are remembered. 

So for everyone who had any hand in Christmas at the Children’s Home this year, I want to say thank you.  Whether you helped buy presents for one or several residents, came and helped wrap into the night and insisted that they all have cute bows, sent gift cards so we could make sure each child felt special and none felt left out, or maybe you said an extra prayer that they could all make it through this Holiday season with joy, thank you.  Thank you for giving them a childhood memory to look back on and smile.  Thank you for not forgetting about these residents.  Thank you for remembering them and loving them. 

Because we're worth it.

Christmas is here.  It is such a wonderful time to really celebrate and rejoice in the fact that God made a way.  God stepped into our mess and sent His son so that we could approach Him and have a relationship with Him.  And we get to pause once a year to celebrate and praise Him for that.  But, sadly that is not always the easiest thing to do, at least not for me.  

Christmas in my life equates with chaos.  When I took my job I understood that it would mean coordinating Christmas for all of the residents here but I did not understand exactly how much that would require of me.  I don’t think you can ever fully understand or ever fully explain the chaos that is Christmas at a Children’s Home.  I literally run from one place to another picking up gifts, dropping them off, wrapping or unwrapping which ever needs to happen, coordinating parties, attending parties, and somehow finding a way to answer emails and calls along the way (so thankful for smart phones!)  This is exactly why today I felt like such a hypocrite in our Chapel Christmas service when I told the residents they really had to stop and remember what this season was all about.  See, I hadn’t stopped one time today and remembered that Immanuel, God with us, was with me.  That He had thought I was worth stepping down out of Heaven and stepping into this mess of a world to be with me.  

  

I had gotten so wrapped up in my work that I had forgotten my mission.  

Earlier in the day I had come from a meeting to my office to drop something off and I needed to step into the gym to ask one of the group leaders a question.  When I went in, as is normal, a few of the kids came up to me vying for my attention.  A group of them were playing basketball on one end so they quickly returned to their game but one girl didn’t.  She’s not one of the popular kids; in fact she doesn’t really have many friends at all.  She annoys them and so they exclude her which makes her try even harder for them to like her which makes most of them like her even less.  She had been playing ball by herself on the other end of the gym, just enjoying life in her own little world until I came in and she came over to say hello.  She then asked me to play ball with her.  Of course, I quickly explained that I had far too much to do and not enough time to get it done much less enough time to play with her.  I apologized, she returned to her game alone and I continued on my mission to mark off things on my never ending to do list.  

 Now this is not one of those stories where I tell you her world stopped and she burst into tears.  In fact, I doubt that she was really affected at all by this rejection.   She’s used to it.  And that is what bothers me so much.  Nothing really happened because I said no but think of what could have happened if I had said yes.  If she had seen that I stopped living in my own little world of things to do and paused, even if just for five minutes, to spend a little time specifically with her, oh what that would have said to her about how much I care for her.  What if I had said you're worth me stopping everything for?  I wish I could say I went back in and played with her but I didn’t.  I spent the remainder of the morning accomplishing things and being productive and missed the one thing I truly should have done today. 

Christmas is a reminder that God says we’re worth it to Him.  He took on flesh, became a man, and died on a cross because He thought we were worth stopping everything for.  So, I’m going to try and remember to share that not just with my words but with my actions.  Because there really is nothing more important. 

Snotty noses and ear aches

I am convinced that there is nothing whinier than a 13 year old boy with an ear ache.  Well, except maybe an 11 year old boy with a messed up wrist or maybe another 11 year old boy with a fever.  Today the boys cottage at work was sick.  I mean every last one of them had some sort of ailment.  And oh how they whine.  At one point I was walking outside and I had one boy on  my left explaining where his wrist hurt, one boy on my right trying to convince me that he had lost a piece of tissue inside his ear, and one boy behind me begging for cough drops.  It never stopped.  And as I would turn my attention to one, another would suddenly get worse.  If I was talking about ear drops suddenly the boy with the hurt wrist couldn’t even walk he was in so much pain.  If I turned my attention to him the boy with the cold couldn’t eat anything because it hurt to swallow.  My boys were physically falling to pieces.  And I literally thought I was going to lose my mind and I was only watching them for an hour or two. 

My natural response in that situation is to tell them to suck it up and quit whining.  After all, they’re boys and its time that they start learning to deal with some things.  People always say if you baby them they’ll keep finding ways to get your attention and I’ve developed quite the reputation for babying the kids as it is.  So my first response was to just not give them attention.  Yes, they were sick but none of them were as bad as they were making it out to be.  The fever was gone, the ear ache was being medicated, and the colds were really just allergies.  So I thought about being the tough guy today and finally cracking down on some of this whining. 

And then I remember how I feel when I’m sick.  I’m 25 years old and if I’m sick I still call my momma.  I don’t expect her to drive down here and bring me medicine and I know there is absolutely nothing she can do for me two hours away, but I still call my momma.  I call her because she cares. I call her because I know she’ll worry and I know she’ll genuinely want me to feel better.  I call her because somehow it makes me feel better to know that my momma knows I’m sick. 

The kids at work can’t call their mommas.  Some of them can never call their mommas again.  So today, while I in no way am trying to be their mother, I was reminded that they needed me to care.  They needed all of us as staff to care and to worry. They wanted us to make them take their medicine, bring them sprite, check on them when they’re laying their heads down during lunch, feel their foreheads just in case, and worry.  They needed to know that we cared that they did not feel good.

It reminds me of the verse where Jesus wept in John 11.  He came to Martha and Mary after Lazarus had died.  He knew He was going to raise him back to life and He knew their sadness was going to be gone soon but He also knew in that moment they needed Him.  Jesus wept because He cared and He loved them exactly where they were.  Jesus wept because of their hurts and their pains. So I learned a valuable lesson today.  Sometimes the hurts and pains that I think are so trivial and will be over and done with in a day are monumental for that person on that day.  I have to learn to love like Jesus loves and see through the circumstance and into the heart of a person and LOVE them where they are. 

So, for today, I babied some sick, whiny, snot nosed boys.

Why I am IN IT TO END IT!

Slavery still exists.

There I was in my own little happy world at Passion 2012 when that reality hit me hard.  I had worked and still get the chance to work with girls who were taken out of sexual exploitation but it had never really hit me.  Slavery still exists.  People are still forced to work against their will for money they will more than likely never see.  I joined the movement to stand for freedom for the 27 million people trapped in slavery before I even left the GA Dome.  I gave some money, posted some facebook statuses, signed a petition, and prayed often for those trapped and my life went on.  Yes, slavery still exists and yes it made me sad but my life continued. 

I was not able to go to Passion 2013 but I followed on live stream and was so excited that the cause was for freedom for those 27 million slaves again.  I followed enditmovement on twitter and got geared up to show my support again for the 27 million that I was so sad for.  

And then my life changed in a big, radical way. 

Someone I loved, someone I spent time with on a daily basis, someone I would do anything for became a part of the 27 million.  My heart was shattered. I was angry, sad, frustrated, and numb all at once.  That 27 million all of a sudden was not a number.  It quickly became a reality of 27 million individuals, all who are loved by someone.  The enditmovement suddenly was no longer something I believed in it was something I desperately needed.  I needed and I prayed that somehow I could turn back time and end it before this happened to any more people.  In that moment I knew being a part of the 27 million was not reversible and that this person’s life and my life as well was forever altered because of it. 

Each person in the estimated 27 million people trapped is just that, a person. 

They might have mothers or sisters that sit up at night worried about where they are sleeping, wondering if they are even alive, and begging God to send them deliverance.  They might have children who are terrified that they are next in line for a long legacy of slavery or even worse, children who are accepting of the fact that they too will be forced to work against their will.   

These people matter to someone. 

Even if they have no family, they matter to God.  They are created just like you and I and they do not deserve a lesser life because they were born in a different country or made a wrong choice.  God loves each of those 27 million people and no one should be forced into slavery. 

It is not okay that fifteen miles from my apartment are pimps waiting in a hotel on girls they can coerce into prostitution.  It is not okay that while I plan out my next vacation an indentured servant is still working day in and day out to pay off his grandfather’s $30 debt in a sugar mill that will never allow him to make enough to pay off the debt.  It is not okay that men buy and sell women for sex and trap them by use of force or drugs.  It is not okay that the bricks on my apartment building may have been made by someone not paid a dime to make them.  It is not okay that children are kidnapped from countries around the world and brought to Atlanta, GA and sold. 

So I am in it to end it because it is no longer just a sad number. 

I am in it to end it because it is not okay. 

On April 9^th people all around the world will be raising awareness by shining a light on slavery and showing people that it still exists.  Please join me by marking a red X on your hand to show that you are in it to end it.  When someone asks what the X means just explain that slavery still exists.  www.enditmovement.com offers a lot more great information on the issue of modern day slavery and the ways we can all help!